can you answer it?

why is it...
that sometimes the weirdest people make you the happiest?
that sometimes it's not your closest friends who make you feel carefree?
that sometimes it's the people close to you who cut the edges of your heart?
that sometimes you hear things you dont want to hear?
that sometimes you just cant tell your best friend what you want to tell her?
that sometimes you hate yourself so much?
that sometimes you wish you could turn back the time?
that sometimes you didn't even exist?
that sometimes you never made friends with some people?
that sometimes you feel like giving someone a hug but no one's around?
that sometimes new found friends bring the greatest joy?
that sometimes trust breaks the fragile foundation of friendship?
that sometimes some morons are just so freaking naive?
that sometimes the people whom you expect support from don't support you?
that sometimes the people whom you crave respect from put you down?
that sometimes the least expected people give you respect?
that sometimes life just sucks?
that sometimes you want to avoid your once closest friends & confidante?
that sometimes blood is thinner than water?
that sometimes you can't bring yourself to open your mouth?
that sometimes people just wont shut up?
that sometimes you feel like such a disappointing loser, the bane of life?

these are the questions running through my brain right now. no wonder i feel the world is spinning... it is. everything's screwing up and spinning out of proportion. i no longer want to turn to the people whom i usually turn to. why? lack of trust. it's not a big deal. it's concern, but i refuse to accept it. it's my fault. my stupidity. my laziness. that stupid appearance which i dont even want to portray but it's just stuck on to me for life. when __ told me she had a lot of pride which she didnt want to wound, i didnt get it. but now i do. it's the same stupid pride that is hindering me, being my stumbling block. this fear of rejection. but true friends wont reject right? they wont betray right? will they? but no one is perfect.

damn it.

i need a shoulder to cry on, a pillow to scream into, a cuddlywuddly to hug, a friend to trust in this moment of uncertainty.