junehols this year was definitely the most fulfilling one in terms of experience and exposure, though not in academic advancement but i'm sure the skills and experience gained from SMUN and even ULP can be infused into school and daily life. though time was, i would say, the greatest limiting factor especially since mids are right after hols, this was probably the best june hols i had albeit falling sick in the first week and worrying the wits out of caring batchmates during the first contact session.
so the last week of hols was filled with much panic and anxiety, fear that i wouldnt be able to complete.. and when panic fills, regrets and i-shouldn't-haves all just flood in.. cos of the immense time and effort spent in smun and ulp prep, time was greatly compromised. though a commitment which i agreed to on my part, human nature tends to turn around and push the blame on contributing factors and not one self. the guilt of not having revised enough and focusing enough overwhelmed me. while being all jittery and frustrated, i came across this in the daily bread. it was about griping (exactly what i was doing at that point of time) - A rule against griping is perfectly understandable. The cancer of a complaining spirit can undermine the spiritual and emotional health of an individual and can infect an entire group. This can result in discontent, frustration, and even rebellion. it really hit me hard. the passage of Phil 2:14-16 too, created a big impact: Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. but what hit me the hardest was at the bottom of the page "When things go wrong, I would not be a grumbler, Complaining, seeing everything as grim; For when I think of how the Lord has blessed me, I cannot help but give my praise to Him." —Hess. for indeed, if it wasn't for Him, would i have gained the experience of politics in smun, would i have got through ulp with the demoralising numbers? the answer is no. so with that the lesson learnt on sunday night was When you feel like griping, start counting your blessings. been trying to constantly keep that in mind, it's hard but i'll keep trying.
through this terribly guilty and nervewrecking period, special ppl were subtly sent in to remind me that i wasnt alone, that i could do it with His grace and strength. and while i slowly unconsciously began to loosen that tight grip i had on God when i was so afraid of falling, sth threatened to drop me down into that deep dark abyss again. and yet again, i was given another gentle but firm reminder - There is no place or time we cannot pray. God's always there, it's whether you wanna cry out to Him or not.
i feel i'm starting to come out of that dark cold lifeless spiritual winter, ready to come back on track with that fervour all over again. i hope it's not the typical human reliance where i turn to help when trouble comes but rather let this be a takeoff to a new relationship of greater heights, better than before. i'm surprised by the stuff i'm led to say sometimes, how i'm encouraged by my own words, knowing that i dare to give such encouragement tells me i'm not too far away. drifted but still a distance close enough for rescue.
someone said to me "i think you're one of the few who can juggle church and redcross and get a balance".. but come to think of it.. is it really true? i've been thrown this statement too many times, over and over again: "i think you have too many commitments and distractions and that's why you can't concentrate on your studies". so who's right? or is it just differing perspectives? well, i do try to strike that balance between the three.. so much so that i leave a fourth quadrant out - family&friends. well, in terms of church and redcross i know i really do try my best and i enjoy both equally well, knowing the real priorities in each and setting aside time. i've learnt how to reject now, setting the pavement for better time management. as for studies, i'm proud of myself for being able to complete sch work on time and putting in effort. i may be a consistant worker but i need pushing in subtle ways. i need deadlines. i've got no accountability in studying, who's gonna check if i study, who's gonna scold if i don't, who's gonna grade the amount i study? noone. i've gotta start learning to push myself, it'll be tough but i hope i'll gain the momentum cos i really don't want a second screwup. or should i say third. so is there a balance? probably not. maybe a 40% for the latter and 25% for the former? today's laugh&lift brought to light a very relevant point for everything i do. Don't work for recognition, but do work worthy of recognition. to constantly remind myself that i'm doing whatever i'm given well for the glory of God and though that's an oversaid and probably overlooked phrase, it really is true. so maybe soon enough i'll learn to factor in the fourth quadrant, and not give an equal 25% to each quarter of commitments but in everything i do, put in my 100% effort.
now that all's over, i'm mad to say this but it's undoubtedbly true and i really must get down to doing it: it's time to start consistant studying. to prevent additional screwups and frightful situations in the coming months for promos, after a short relaxation period, i believe the consistency has got to start. another decision has gotta be made soon. i once said that once i committed, i would not quit, i will persevere to the end no matter how sucky it is. cos it's my responsibility. so i've done so, through the ups and downs, i've held on. but it comes a point of time where i feel that i'm truly wasting time not contributing cos i'm not putting in effort at all, not striving at all. it's really not me to do so, but circumstances has just made things go this way. would it be right to step back and give up, for the better, since i'm not doing anything? or would it be wiser to hang on and contribute in whatever small, minute way i can? as i seek out an answer, finding the right answer, this poem comes in.
WAIT
(Author Unknown)
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently, said, "Child you must wait."
My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a "yes," a go-ahead sign,
Or a "no," to which I then can resign.
And Lord, you promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry,
I'm weary of asking, I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate;
As my Master replied, once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "so I'm waiting... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead, and cause the mountains to run.
All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you would not know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love,
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
The glow of My comfort, late into the night,
The faith that I give, when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked,
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have, last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones, overnight would come true,
But, oh the loss if I lost, what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all, is still WAIT.
so i'll wait in anticipation and hopefully with obedient patience and hope he'll bring me past this dilemma on top of the other nittygritties which constantly needle me.(Author Unknown)
Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently, said, "Child you must wait."
My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a "yes," a go-ahead sign,
Or a "no," to which I then can resign.
And Lord, you promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry,
I'm weary of asking, I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate;
As my Master replied, once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "so I'm waiting... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead, and cause the mountains to run.
All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you would not know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love,
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
The glow of My comfort, late into the night,
The faith that I give, when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked,
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have, last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones, overnight would come true,
But, oh the loss if I lost, what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all, is still WAIT.
there seems to be no end in sight but i know i'll be alright
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