it’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word.

so while i was supposed to spend my one week mugging productively... i... spent it productively though not totally studying per se. the week closed rather memorably and just looking back, i've really felt blessed. it's true that through trials relationships strengthen and faith restored.
cell was a recordbreaker with 20ppl squishing into nigel's place. what can we say, indeed good food attracts the masses. i wouldnt say i wasted the night away cos it took my mind off things.

sunday was yet another destresser while inwardly stressing. we burst the dudes' egos by thrashing them at girls vs guysALLSTARS. well.. it sounds sexist and all but we girls plus daryl thrashed a team of 5dudes 10-7 (: to think they believed that they could beat us hands down. but for all its worth, it was a great game. ethel did a great unbiased writeup illustrating the happenings of that splendiferous match under YCKC Youth Girls make Captain's Ball History on the yckcyouth blog. and though the guys may 'live to fight another day', it may be a 'fight and be crushed again yet another day'. it's amazing how that adrenaline rush removes all anxiety.

it's such a terrible feeling to feel overloaded- unprepared but yet every stare at the paper brings out nothing.

three quotes struck me hard on sunday:
kwek, quoting his physics teacher, said "if you don't know it by now, you never will" - on how cramming now pretty much wont get you anywhere. it's true. but somehow that last minute frantic flipping offers silent comfort. or the quick scanning of flashcards just gives a momentary relief while pressing that refresh button in your mind.
my dearest 22/7 buddy said to me "don't pray for good results and that you'll get promoted. pray that you'll accept whatever results you get". though i havent been talking to her much lately, i think she still reads me well.. subtly and gently serving as my reminder to accept whatever God gives.
QT gave a quote by Philip Yancey "Beware of the temptation that success brings. There is grave danger in getting what we want." highlighting there is no failure more disastrous than the success that leaves God out.
lam gave me a wonderful verse too from Philippians and i guess growing up with her and spending the first part of our childhood at perpetual loggerheads has formed a bond tt is truly beyond words.

and i guess though i really had ought to be revising then. kwek's quote was true cos what i was really doing is replaying and forming up whatever i have learnt because cramming he day before isnt gonna do any more good. and while i'm all anxious and guilty waiting in fear for the tomorrows to come. i've just gotta do what edna says - accept whatever God duly gives. the effort i have put in and the plans He has for me, for success may not always be the key to happiness.

teomunching my bestest friend msged me too, and it kinda overwhelmed me.
i don't know if i'll ever stop feeling this way. as much as i may blend and temporarily lose that awful feeling, it never fails to dawn on me that i miss those strong friendship bonds fostered over the few four years. will half the time even foster ties half as strong? i wonder...

the more i think about it, the more i think what i told munch the other day is so true. tact is something which you've really got to learn to survive and not to offend. and i believe that sc has indeed moulded us into ppl with much tact, so much so that when we leave, it stuns you to see how easily and brainlessly words flow out of ppl's mouths.

now that i'm down to the last paper. the feeling's plain surreal. time has flown so fast with today being the last day. i can't really believe i survived 4days in a twinkling of an eye. yet, some part of me feels distant, segregated from friends and ppl i care about. everyone's busy with their own lives and without keeping contact, we subtly drift apart and make things so awkward. if only life could be paused at fantastic moments and replayed over and over again. but through this week i really think it's the little encouragement here and there that have kept me going. but deep down inside, i know that feeling's so surreal because i really havent been me. i havent been moving along the path of life these few days. it's God who has been mercifully carrying me through it all, fulfilling Isaiah 40:29-31. strength and power is given to the weary, even youths full of vigour and life do wear out and it is then that when we seek and place our hope in God that our strength will be restored that we may soar high like eagles run but not grow weary.

Take My Life (Third Day)
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

drifting apart.
pride and dignity.
keep it or lose it?
it's up to the effort you put in
and how incompetent you really are.
lost. blind.deaf.mute.