through it all.

i'll sing to You Lord a hymn of love
for Your faithfulness to me

knowledge brings with it many things. pain is one of them. sometimes ignorance really is bliss. what good is there in knowledge when it brings about a greater unknown?

it's a long-drawn battle. i'm fighting the fatigue and the urge to throw in the towel. it's dreadfully tiring and all that comes out of it is the feeling of failure. is there even such thing as the best one can do? everytime you hit the top, you realize there's actually something higher. i know the common cliche phrase "your greatest opponent is yourself". i know i shouldn't compare. but the irony of it all is that even while people tell you not or that they don't, they do. we do it all the time. it's just human nature. standards compare. you're either bad, or worse.

it's so easy to give encouragement, but how much of that really sinks in. it's so easy to show your gratitude and make someone feel loved. or so it seems. why is it so hard for me to absorb that tinge of encouragement that would ultimately push me to the finishing line? your words ring like a bell in my head. you wanted to do good, but you just shoved me down further and put a plank above me just so i won't be able to get up.

i'm fighting a battle with my greatest opponent, myself. great expections only lead to greater disappointments. so i have high hopes. shoot me. if you don't dream big, you'll never grow big. i'm a cynic with a smile. the smile fights the pessimist, oppressing it in hopes of smothering that devilish speck of dust. my life is a happy life. everything's going well, i'm trying my best to cope. i have fun joy laughter love and happiness. i wouldn't call the above a lie. it isn't. it's just the layer that covers the battle beneath. my happiest times are the times when i actually don't use whatever little brain i have to think, when i don't look at reality eye-to-eye to see the savage menacing hunger to triumph glowing in its eye. when i stop to take a breather, that's when the truck hits me, hard. so i close my eyes, and seek solace in You.

i'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go, through it all