what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

so many questions, so many doubts, so much pain and so much hurt. yet through it all, You've carried me through, You've showed me how much i mean to You regardless of how broken or down-trodden i am. i'm only human, one that's crushed thin and worn out, yet you've shown me that even a useless, crumpled, stomped on sheet of paper still has it's use - to write, to pen, to hold sweet memories that will forever be etched.

a year of sorrow and bitterness, yet a year of joy and happiness. ironic isn't it? strength isn't everything, i've learnt. it's alright to fall down and cry over a measly little cut, but what matters most is that you pick yourself up and walk along again.

what is joy? i used to think it was just being carefree and enjoying laughters with those around you. it's hard to be happy when you're tired, you're often grumpy. but i'm learning a new meaning of happiness, one that's far from my old concept of it. you don't need to be tired, you don't even need to be emotionally happy cos it's the internal joy that gives you peace, one that sets your mind at rest and frees your heart to leap with joy. my soul magnifies the Lord and my hearts flutters with happiness that i have found exceeding joy.

i've had my fair share of doubts, which have often been a stumbling block, causing hurt to loved ones. it's my hope that i will soon be able to look up in confidence and walk alongside those who care. though that's not what we're living for, we must live for Your purpose. i pray for courage as i face up to reality, gripping hard onto the hope for a future that will glorify Your name. And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You? Would You tell me how could it be any better than this? i don't know how long more before this facade crumbles and how quickly i'd build another temporal one, but i do know that no matter what, i cannot run away.

so just close your eyes, breathe and let the tears flow...
then breathe in again and swallow hard. cos everything will be fine...
if only you'd believe. if only you'd give Him a chance to show you how much you mean to Him.

There Is A Hope
(Stuart Townend)

There is a hope that burns within my heart,
That gives me strength for ev'ry passing day;
a glimpse of glory now revealed in meager part,
Yet drives all doubt away:
I stand in Christ, with sins forgiv'n;
and Christ in me, the hope of heav'n!
My highest calling and my deepest joy,
to make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,
A consolation strong against despair,
That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,
I find the Savior there!
Through present sufferings, future's fear,
He whispers, "Courage!" in my ear.
For I am safe in everlasting arms,
And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,
That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,
To see the matchless beauty of a day divine
When I behold His face!
When sufferings cease and sorrows die,
and every longing satisfied,
then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,
For I am truly home.

what if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy