perhaps.

perhaps i didn't try hard enough. 
perhaps i didn't cover my bases.
perhaps i tried too hard.
perhaps, just perhaps.

before your very eyes, everything crumbles. you reach out to catch the falling debris, but in that effort to stretch out far, some bits inevitably fall through the gaps between your fingers. ever wondered why when we reach out to catch something, our fingers come apart and not close together? i guess it's to increase the surface the area, but the more you give, the more you stand to lose as well. a greater risk means as much a greater gain as a greater loss. no?

but today i have found much truth in the saying that goes along the lines of doing your best and having no regrets. i've done the best i could to salvage. i know i have. but there's undeniably that lingering persistant "what if... could i have... would it be different...?" flooding that fried-crispy mush in the skull of mine. like a sailor who failed to adequately anchor a little boat and had it swept away by cruel waves but yet managed to overcome the choppy waters to retrieve it albeit heavy damages, while the sense of relief sweeps over, the image of the unsecured boat just keeps reappearing.

no words can explain my very thoughts and emotions. it's a jumbled chunk of imagery all rolled into a ball. like a mash of coloured playdoh all rolled together, you can't get one colour out without another. it's a puzzling feeling, a pressing need to trace back where the stray thread unravelled and pulled the picture apart. it's neither wallowing nor moping. how'd you move on and look ahead when you don't know what tripped you. i want to know. i need to know. or do i really?

the price of a mask for temporal relief,
is truly a large and heavy sum.