purpose and obedience.

in the overwhelming miseries of boredom, i've been struggling with purpose. what is the purpose of existence? what is the purpose of work? what is the purpose of relationships? i find it tough to count my blessings when i am reduced to waiting around for scraps of tasks. here i am raring to go, but i'm facing perpetual amber and red lights such that progress feels negligible.

and then i was reminded of patience. "maybe the answer is not 'no', but 'not yet' ". i'm learning the tough lesson of patience, which from the perspective of a borderline workaholic is not easy. not easy at all. twiddling thumbs all day is perfect for some, but for me, 'bored to tears' is nearly literal. it doesn't help that the guai kia in me finds it unacceptable to leave traces of internet surfing, which leaves me openly guilty of having my fingers glued on onto my phone, tackling word puzzles, checking emails, or savouring others people's golden truths.

i digressed, but in essence, this time has opened up the opportunity for soul searching and mulling through life's purpose. i won't deny that i've questioned the legitimacy of my profession numerous times in this process. i'm so afraid i'll one day fail to love it as i once did. but time and time again, my passion is sparked, my interest piqued, and a warmth spreads in my heart just knowing my love for it still remains.

and so here i am, learning to be obedient, in having patience, as my purpose is slowly revealed in this season of pruning and moulding.

and i was reminded that happiness is a choice. you're as happy as you choose to be. comparison is the root of all envy. comparing will only fill you with either envy or pride. envy always says why them - why do they get this? why can they have that? gratitude says why me - why do i get this opportunity? why am i given that chance?

at the end of the day, envy is a battle with God about what He has given you. there's a little plaque on the wall at home which has existed for as long as i can remember. reading it as a child just made me happy that i could remember this seemingly complex phrase. growing up, i realised that as simple as the phrase may seem, it's meaning is truly complex and so much deeper: "what you are is God's gift to you. what you make of yourself is your gift to God". you can't run anyone else's race, and somebody else can't run your race. you can plod along, or you can make up your own race. either way you have to move along.

patience is a virtue.

that age-old adage sure wasn't kidding.