when everyone is calling it quits.

it was truly a surreal feeling holding the rank in my hands. having not personally received it, it didn't quite register - a bit like an uncelebrated birthday, when you think you're still a year younger. moving up the ranks is very much like ageing, i lost dear friends along the way, but i kept moulding the lives of others and in exchange i received priceless memories. priorities change with age, as with ranks, i started off impulsive and enthusiastic, got jaded along the way, found new meaning that reignited fervour, and carried on trudging along because unlike my peers, "it wasn't my time yet", i still find joy and meaning in what i do.

distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder, but neglect has its price too.
so was it reminiscence, or just a distant memory? in all honesty, i couldn't figure it out.

life doesn't go on pause although you choose to pause that phase in life, so coming back in is never the same as you left off. some things have changed, some things haven't. some things feel the same, but just in a different time zone (or so, i feel).

some say it isn't worth it. i do agree to some extent. alone, i make little difference; but with a little effort, i can make meaningful differences that perhaps can be paid forward. i may be dreaming of a utopia, but for now, i believe the effort can still reap fruit. small fruit is fruit nonetheless. many of the useless things in life make us happy, the only benefit we get from doing pointless leisure is happiness. so don't judge me for this "useless" thing i indulge in.

you'd always think that you'll be bursting with energy and passion, but that wears off pretty quick because it's just adrenaline. it's the building up of muscles in the heart of service that keeps you pumping strong. 

no one said building muscles was easy. there are different sorts of aches, but it's a shiok kind of ache.

and for that, i choose

to lead with pride.